Trying Not To Love You
by Nora-HBS-Girl
Summary: Nora Returns To Town After A Six Year Absence To Testify In A Trial In Which She Is R.J.'s only alibi...for something that happened the last night she saw him. During the testimony, she is forced to admit things she wanted to keep hidden. That fine line between love and hate gets even thinner as the lines begin to blur. Sequel to "Deep End Of Desire."
1. Preface

**Preface**

His finger was tracing the silhouette of her inflamed pink buds as he used another to snake her silky panties into. She was pinned against the wall of the supply closet as he breathed in the scent he had memorized six years before. He was angry...so angry at her...and yet he was still thinking about her in ways he had no business thinking about her...She was like the poison he knew he shouldn't drink but couldn't stop himself from gulping...if he kept this up, she would surely be the death of him...

_"Why did you bother coming back Nora...you were obviously content with your lies...would you have even told me if you didn't have to_?"

He watched the color drain from her face as she forced herself to look at him...there had been a time when those deep brown eyes would have made him incapable of rational thought...maybe he wasn't rational at all...maybe her pain turned him on if only for a moment.

"What do you want me to say R.J. ? You want me to tell you that you're right...fine...you're right...I lied to you...I lied because I knew damn well that if I stayed one of two things would happen...you would either get one of us killed or you would destroy what was left of my husband's life..."

"Did you expect me to let him raise our children?"

"He wasn't even conscious half the time R.J. He never even knew I was pregnant. "

"So you lied to him too...oh that's wonderful...when did you get to be so good at being a liar."

"Maybe I learned from you...did you think I would _thank _you for making me come here and testify for you...are you happy now...now that my life is in shambles, are you happy now?"

"Happy...you think _any_ of this makes me happy..."

He was shaking her by the shoulders as he screamed at her. "_I loved you damn it. I loved you and you broke my heart. Are YOU happy now?" _

_"Stop it...stop it R.J. you're hurting me. Stop it." _

He let go of her the minute he saw her crying...he thought that seeing her hurt would make up for all the pain she had caused him except it didn't...it only made him want to hold her and take it away. "I'm sorry...Nora please...please don't be afraid of me...I would never...I could never hurt you."

She stared into his eyes as she brushed the side of his cheek with her hand. "I know...and I'm not scared _of _you...I'm scared_ for_ you...this is serious R.J. ... what if you can't walk away this time? I don't want to see you spend the rest of your life in prison because of me."

She turned away from him then...and he wouldn't let her...he tilted her chin until she was looking deeply into his eyes...He cupped her face in his hands...gently brushing the hair back from her face...she was crying and his lips were suddenly pressing down on hers roughly...taking her in his arms against the wall as he slipped his tongue into her mouth and the kiss intensified. He wanted to tell her it wasn't her fault except in some small way he believed that it was...if she hadn't left him that way, he wouldn't have been in the position to be accused of murder...a murder she was the only one who knew he didn't commit...

"R.J.," she panted against his chest as he finished pulling her skirt off.

"Shhhh," he commanded, as he kissed her again. She could hear the brooms crashing as he hauled her against the wall with desperate urgency. "Your chances at beating this," she started to say, even as she helped him out of his pants. "Are irrelevant," he responded. She wanted to ask him how he could be so unaffected except she knew it was how he survived...she knew he wouldn't admit to weakness, even if he felt it.

Her nails dug into his back as he drove his swollen member into her dripping hole. He could feel her chest heave as she pressed against him and he knew she was struggling for breath as he rammed into her deeper. "So tight baby...you haven't been touched down here in six years have you?"

She didn't need to reply...he knew by the way he filled her up until she was trembling beneath him that she had not been having sex...it was the first time in six years that she had been pleasured this way... and as his cock pushed against her G Spot and brought her over the edge of bliss...she finally released her pent up desire into him. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he continued to plunge in and out of her...the look of passion shining in her eyes as he released his full length inside her until she was spent. She was now lying in his arms on the floor as tears came to her eyes. Just as he had realized that she had _not _given herself to anyone else since _him,_ she had also realized that he _had._ She was now pulling her shirt on as she distanced herself from him.

"What is it? What did I do," he asked her?

"Nothing," she snapped. "You did nothing...It's all me...I shouldn't have...we shouldn't have done this R.J. ...not when you obviously didn't miss me at all."

"Where the hell is this coming from? Why are you so mad?"

"I'm not mad...why would I be mad...It's not my business who you have sex with..."

"So that's what this was about...you could tell that I..."

"Was with other women...yeah...your damn right I could tell...a woman can always tell."

"You're not jealous are you? I mean really...what did you expect me to do?"

"I don't know what I expected you to do okay...I don't know...and you're right...I have to no right to be jealous...except guess what...I am. I hate the fact that you can do this to me but...but I don't like the fact that you have had other women...I don't like the fact that you could just move on like we meant nothing...is that what this is R.J...is it payback? Are you having sex with me so you can break my heart like I broke yours?"

She was trembling as the tears slipped from her face. She wished she could have run out the door then except she was frozen in place. In the next moment his arms were around her and she was sobbing into his shoulder. He snaked his fingers through her hair as he kissed it. "I love you too Nora," he whispered against her ear. She hated that he could see through her like that...she hated it all. When she had agreed to come back, she had foolishly believed that she could simply testify and leave. That wasn't going to happen now. Now she would be lucky to get out of town without the remains of a broken heart...She had loved him once...but she couldn't be to him what he was to her...the guilt had nearly destroyed her...

"I won't be your secret this time," she said, as she hurried out the door. R.J. just watched her retreating back and ended up slamming his fist into a wall. How could she believe that he would be content to be anything but everything to her? He had tried that once and lost her. "Damn it, why do you still make me crazy," he yelled , as he finished putting his clothes back on.

He should hate her...he should be determined to destroy her as she destroyed him...he should stay away from her...the only thing he was capable of doing with her is loving her more then he should...if she was going to be the death of him then he would embrace death...he didn't want to love her but he did...he wanted to hate her but he couldn't... As much as he hated what she did, he wanted her in his bed again...wanted her in his life...wanted to raise his children with her...

_His children...six of them...she had given birth to his children and he had never even met them...that was about to change...she could shut him out of her life if she chose to...she wouldn't shut him out of his daughter's...not anymore. _


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

_Two Weeks Earlier..._

She stared at the piece of paper in her hands as fresh tears blurred her vision. She could almost feel the moisture on the bottom of her palms as she read the words printed on the subpoena. _Murder...he had been arrested for murder_..._and she was supposed to testify for him_...because, six years ago she had been in his bed...having sex with him...and she knew he couldn't possibly be guilty... because she was his alibi...the only person who could speak of his whereabouts and his state of mind.

Except she knew that by testifying in his defense, she would be risking her own peaceful existence...the life she had built with her seven children...six of whom belonged to R.J. She had never told him she was pregnant, or that she had his children...She had thought about him often...thought about calling him and begging for his forgiveness... but she had stopped herself cold every time...She had no right to be a part of his life anymore...she had no right to even entertain thoughts of him...she had done more then lie to him...she had broken his heart and kept his children from him...not because she thought he would be a bad father...she knew he would be an amazing one...she just hadn't been able to tell him while her husband was still breathing. In the last months of Shaun's life, she had devoted herself to him...pushing her thoughts of the nights she spent with R.J. out of her head...He died just before she really started to show...and she had spent five years trying to forgive herself for hurting two men she loved deeply...for hurting her children...but most of all for hurting herself...she had never been able to do it...guilt had become her constant companion.

But now she was being forced out of hiding and she was scared...she was scared of the reaction that he would have...she was scared that her heart wouldn't be able to resist him this time...And she was scared that her children would hate her for the bad decisions she had made in an impossible situation.

"What am I going to do," she asked herself, as she looked at the papers once more, her mind flashing back to the memories of their lovemaking?

He was lying on the cot in the jail cell...bail had been denied...he wasn't surprised. The town had a very short list of suspects. They always did whenever a crime was committed. This time the crime had been murder...murder that only one person knew he was innocent of...

He was clutching the sole picture he had of her, staring it down as if it were his lifeline...torn between his love for her and his anger. Then his lawyer walked in, and he sat up, trying his best to remain hopeful.

"She's been served," he said. "Your P.I. managed to track her down. She'll be here."

He said nothing more...nothing more needed to be said. He knew that his ex lover might want to run from this...but he knew she wouldn't. She was a believer in the law and there was no getting around the fact that six years ago, she had been having sex with him when the murder occurred...

He could feel his palms grow sweaty as he thought about her...feel his heart beat faster then it ever had before...feel the hardness between his legs...She wasn't even here and he was already getting a raging hard-on...what would he do when he had to see her face to face..._He would want to jump her bones immediately_, came the voice within. He had never been this chemically moved by another person before...he hated her for what she had done to him...but he ached for her in a way he had never known was possible...

It would be another night where he would have to close his eyes and imagine her mouth around his shaft as she pleasured him...

_"Oh God you're driving me crazy," he panted, as her mouth closed around his very large penis...her fingers kneading into his sack as she massaged. _

_"That's kind of the point, you know," she joked, as she pressed her body against his. "Now it's your turn tough guy...I want you to make me purr." _

_He simply smiled at her deviously as he kneaded her slit with roving fingers...each thrust, deeper and more vigorous then the last. "Shit," she swore, as he pushed his finger against her sweet spot and she was screaming his name..."Shit R.J., NOW," she panted. "I feel like I need a cigarette and I don't even smoke." _

_"You think THIS is Hot...wait till I'm inside you," he said, as he tugged her against him until her breasts were rubbing against his chest. He needed her. God how he needed her. _

_"Say it Baby," he said. "Tell me what you want." _

_"I want...I want...Oh FUCK...Fuck what is THAT," she cried out, as his erection teased her opening with vigorous intensity..._

_"My, my...you sure have a dirty mouth..." _

_"Maybe you should wash it out then," she returned. _

_"Oh believe me...something will definitely be washed tonight..." _

_"I don't see any action," she said. "Fuck me R.J. Don't tell me you'll fuck me...just fuck me."_

_"My Dirty, Dirty Girl," he said, as she felt his lips on hers in the same moment that his shaft was ramming into her dripping hole and satisfying her beyond belief...satisfying her with earth shattering thrusts until they exploded inside each other...collapsing in bliss, her head on his chest, as she listened to his heartbeat and he held her close. _

R.J. and Nora simultaneously shot up from their respective beds, though they were worlds apart...tears falling from their faces as they shook from the same blistering fantasy.

"I miss you," they said to themselves, as their hearts cried out for each other. They were worlds apart in both distance and pain...but a heart doesn't forget the one you love, even when you know you'll never be together again...And R.J. and Nora were still madly in love with each other...maybe they always would be.


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Nora was nothing if not efficient. She would check every word of the subpoena before she agreed to cave to it. And even then she would try a different tactic. It wasn't that she would leave RJ. to hang for murder...she just would exhaust all other areas before she blew up her own life to save him. That was why she was calling him now instead of heading down to see him. She wanted to avoid seeing him face to face if at all possible.

"Well hello Tempest," he said. "I guess you got my little present."

He answered the phone with that cocky sense of accomplishment...had that been all she was to him now...something he achieved.

"Please don't call me that," she said. "You don't have the right to call me that anymore."

"Don't I," he said? "You wouldn't be calling if I didn't still turn you on. So tell me...how flushed are you now?"

"Go to hell...I'm calling because you don't just get to summon me like that and expect me to just be at your beck and call."

"I expect that you will be at my hearing and you will tell the truth..."

"And what truth would that be huh?"

"The only truth that matters...the one you want to forget ever happened...the one about you and me making mad, passionate love until we couldn't breathe...and all of this was happening when this murder happened...you are my alibi Nora...you're the only one who knows the truth..."

"Why are you doing this to me...I have a life that doesn't include you now."

"So go back to it...I'm only asking for your testimony..."

"You don't need _anything _from me and you know it...why can't you just do what you do best and make up some believable lie...you've gotten away with everything else that away..."

"Maybe I just want to see you again...I want to see you hot and bothered. "

"You egotistical bastard. "

"If that's what turns you on."

"I'm not...I'm not turned on okay."

"I don't believe that...I think you are hot and wet and aching for me...isn't that right Nora...isn't it true that you want my hands on you?"

"You aren't the only fish in the sea," she choked out in a husky whisper.

"Well that right there...your voice turned awfully erotic sweetheart...you better lie better if you want to lie."

"Leave me alone R.J. ...just leave me alone."

"Not when you are dreaming about me that way again...tell me tempest...where are my hands now...where is your mouth..."

"R.J. , this is not..."

"Oh it's definitely what we need to talk about...because when your mouth is closed around my desire and my hands are cupping your ass...it's important...It's important that I fuck you good and hard...close your eyes...close them..."

She sunk down on the bed as she hugged her pillow to her chest. Her phone was still on ear as she closed her eyes. "Open your legs Nora...open them...wide...let me touch that beautiful hot and wet pussy with my shaft..."

"Yes," she cried. "Yes, you can touch it."

"How do you want me to touch it," he asked? "Say it...say what you want me to do to it?"

"I want...Oh God help me...I want you to fuck it...hard...I want you hard and deep."

"That's it baby...Cum...I can feel you Cum...I'm inside you now...so deep...so hard...can you feel it...can you feel how hard I am penetrating you as you dig your nails into my back."

"I...I feel it...Oh God it feels so good..."

"Let it go baby...let it go...I'm right here...I've got you...just let it all go."

"I'm letting go R.J. ...I'm letting everything explode inside you...oh God...God that explosion...I'm screaming now...you're making me scream."

"You feel so good baby...you're so wet and tasty...I love to feel so much Cum around my shaft...you're soaking wet...you can sleep now...go to sleep now baby...I'll see you soon...I'll satisfy you beyond measure soon."

He hung up the phone with the sound of her orgasm echoing in his brain...he hadn't even touched her and he was so hard he had to go into the bathroom to pleasure himself. That had been the best phone sex of his life...he had been angry at her before she called...now he was just turned on...it was sexier knowing she was too...knowing she was lying in her bedroom, pleasuring herself because she wanted him as badly as he wanted her.

_They hated each other on one hand...on the other, they simply ached for each other...How could either of them be content to walk away from something that made their blood run so hot and cold? He didn't imagine they ever could. _

_She might be the death of him...but he would die a happy man if she was. _


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Her cell phone woke her in the middle of a deep sleep...she looked at the time as she yawned. It was 4 am. _Who in God's name would be calling her at that hour_? She glanced at the caller ID but didn't recognize the number on the unregistered cell phone...She tried to ignore the text as she closed her eyes and attempted to go back to sleep... but then another one came through...and another...

_"What in the world_," she grumbled, as she switched the light on and sat at the edge of her bed to look at the texts. _She should have known better...she should have known it was him. Who else would harass her this early in the morning...playing head games with her emotions. _

"_I hate you_," she cried. "I_ hate you for being so damn cruel_."

Even as tears slipped from her eyes, she could feel the quiver of her lower anatomy...the woozy sensation of the room spinning. She knew she should just delete the rest of the photo's without looking at them...except she had never been able to listen to logic when it came to him. He made her dizzy with desire as she looked at the photographs...

_"You know you want to ravage this with your sexy mouth," the caption read..._next to it was a picture of his very hard penis...He took a close-up so she could see just how engorged he was. And the pictures had created the desired effect. She was now wet and trembling. This had happened too many times over the years. She needed release.

"Two can play at this game," she said, as she pulled out her own phone and began snapping pictures.

The text read..._ " I bet you wish you had a piece of this don't you?" _

_"I'll have more then a piece sooner then you know...look at all that Cum," the response read. _

_"You're not getting anything from me," she texted back. _

_"Hasn't anyone ever told you that it's bad to lie...I'll have to punish you now, my bad girl..." _

_"I'm not your anything anymore...leave me alone." _

_"You have twenty four hours to get your ass over here...and if you don't then the results can be very bad for you." _

_"I hate you, you son of a bitch. I hate you so much." _

_"If by hate, you mean that you want to ram your pussy into my dick hard and fast then I hate you too." _

_"Fuck you." _

_"I'd rather fuck you." _

_"Go to hell." _

_"Already there."_

They continued to sext each other until she finally just threw the phone in frustration. She didn't need him in her life anymore. She didn't need anything from him. She would prove it.

* * *

"Don't take this the wrong way but you look like hell," Viki said, as she opened the door to her best friend.

"I feel even worse," she said, as they hugged.

"Is it...is it_ him_," Viki asked?

She had been the only one that Nora had trusted enough to be completely honest with. She took a deep breath as she sat down on the couch across from her.

"I have to go back to Llanview," she said, as she handed Viki the papers.

"Is he Innocent," she asked?

"This time he is...he was with me."

"Having sex right?"

When Nora only shook her head, Viki continued. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to try and talk some sense into him...maybe if he sees me face to face, he'll..."

"You don't really believe that do you?"

"I believe that I have to try...R.J. and I...we're over..."

"Are you sure about that Nora?"

"The only thing I'm sure about right now is that if I go back there and I testify...Viki, I can't let the truth come out now...he'll hate me."

"Isn't that what you want...Isn't a life without him what you've been struggling to find all these years? Isn't that why you moved halfway around the world in the first place"

"I wish," she cried. "I wish things could have been different. I really do."

"But they're not different Nora...and you are _still _ trying to find that one reason why you should take him back...that makes me think that what you told me all of those years ago wasn't the entire truth...Your affair with him might have started because you were lonely...but it continued because you fell in love with him...You're afraid to go back and testify because even though you know he is bad for you, you can't help yourself...you still want him in your bed."

"Do you hate me," she asked?

"I could never hate you...but if you are truly in love with this man then stop torturing yourself. Shaun is gone Nora. You can move on."

"I can't...I can't move on with him..."

"Why not?"

"Because every time I look at him, I'm reminded of what we did to hurt Shaun...and how I'm responsible for his death. How can we have a future after that?"


End file.
